C’est la vie.

Soo yeah, after promising to myself I wouldn’t be on here again as the moment of the departure to my country aproaches the feeling of being in a dark place intensifies, and why not use all that here. Basically the situation goes like this, I’ve lived for a year in the States, which if anyone read this they would know from my ramblings, but after a year thinking I was living in a shithole the time of going back to the motherland has come. And here is where things start to get a bit into perspective.

Have you ever had the feeling when you suddenly make a realization and you whisper to yourself “Oh shit”. Yeah that was me the other day, when the idea of going back finally kicked in. Never underestimate a place, ever, because you will only realize how much fun you had in the place when you have to leave. And you know, leaving everyone you met behind and knowing that the chances of them seeing you again are basically nonexistent isn’t the best feeling in the world either. But oh well, thats life for you.

Weird Allegories.

Ok, lets put it this way. You are a pokemon, say one of those crappy ones that just sit around and eat grass or whatever it is that pokemons eat. And of course, like all the other Pikachus or whatever other random one you are you want to be famous and be the best one in the world and have the best stats and whatnot. Same way it has always been, same way it will always be.

So think for a second that you might be the one, that lucky one between the thousands and thousands and will leave medicority, to show some value and do something worth remembering. Your goal is fixed, your objectives are pure, what can get wrong right? And hey, it works great on the short run, always looking at the next step, always winning the next fight.

But then you realize that it doesn’t work that way, that you can’t maintain this equilibrium. That if you want to be up high you are going to be friends (or enemies) with people that you would not like to be. You will have to fight cool pokemon, and take pictures with asshole pokemon. And it doesn’t even matter, because you are getting where you want to get, and things are getting even brighter and brighter for you. But, even if you don’t want to you get that sensation, that things are going to come down, and its going to be bad.

So you are fighting the Final League Pokemon thingy and whatnot and you stop for a second and look around. To your fans who you don’t even like, your custom pokeballs, your food and little “potions” as the people in your circle likes to call it. And then it hits you, the cold hard truth.

That you wouldn’t have been better than being just another Pikachu, living in blissful ignorance.

Decisions.

And that is when I came to the conclusion that I could never live in Tokyo. I think you have to be there to understand, but still, Tokyo has so many things to do, and the sadly enough the best ones are not seen in plain sight. So you have to decide, should I try here, or should I go elsewhere… knowing that by doing something you are giving something else.

That is something that will always haunt me, the constant perception that whatever I do, I am always missing something, always sacrificing something that could be much better in order to do what I am currently doing. And this feeling has become stronger now that I am in the United States, since to be honest I don’t have that much time left. 

The real problem is when the “what ifs” come in play, and the future starts being the board on which this game is set. Because in that case you are not just sacrificing that moment, but everything that this moment would have led to. What if I would have met the girl of my life in that party? What if I had figured out a key point of my life in that conference? What if, what if, what if… It’s just reassuring to not think sometimes, to just let it flow and let things be as they are… sometimes at least.

Good movie on this: Mr. Nobody.

Gets you thinking… if you are in the mood for it that is.

Think.

Clothes, shoes, necklaces, beauty products, cars, motorcycles, house, jewelry STOP

Relationships, reputation, status, friends, family, boyfriend, girlfriend,couple     STOP

Job, future, plans, illusions, delusions, tries, fails,  stress, frustration              STOP

Sadness, depression, happiness, euphoria, ostracism, sorrow, loneliness          STOP

Fashion, hairstyle, fitting in, rebel, popularity, loner, smart, dumb, crazy          STOP

War, destruction, massacre, pain, fear, rebellions, heroes, villains, lies            STOP

Because we are alive, and living a full life after all, and thats more than most people have or can expect having. So don’t worry so much, just live.

…and they lied.

It’s the hope that counts, it always is. But the problem is, that people at some point or another show us that it is not worth having hope, that if you decide the make the mistake of showing it, you are going to regret it. It’s the feeling of hoping something good will happen, something you have been planning and waiting for, even though there is a voice in the back of your head repeating: It’s not going to happen something will go wrong.

And it does. And then you hear the voice saying “I told you so” and feel stupid, for even believing that it might turn out fine. Because, if things don’t usually for you, why are they going to start to work out now? But thats the beauty of life, not knowing what will happen next, and still following blindly, hoping that it will be good.

Or maybe its just the stupidity of humans, who knows.

Who cares.

Solitary Crowd.

As Tennessee Williams once said, “we’re all of us sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins”. And we cannot help but to note this even more when we are completely sorrounded by people. 

If anyone has ever lived in a city of a decent size, they will be able to grasp this idea quite easily. Being inside your apartment, until the mere thought of staying inside becomes unbearable. Going out seems the only option, even if it is walking across the street. And in that period of time in which you leave the small ecosystem you have created for yourself, you see an incredible amount of people. But to come to this conclusion you have to actually think about it, if not the endless courrent of individuals that walk past you seem like part of the everyday life. And in those moments, even though you are completely sorrounded by people, you feel alone.

Alone because each one of those individuals has their own hopes, aspirations and dark sides, but you will never know them, not one of them. You will be a stranger to them as they are just the exact same for you. Complete strangers. But that’s how its been, we think that humans have to be in groups, but in the bottom line, we are solitary creatures.

To an interesting conversation with Jack, cheers.

Open your eyes.

To slow days. We have all had them, even though we think we’re unique.

Those days where we enter a vicious circle which starts with us not getting out of bed because the effort is too big, which leads us to stay in there for hours, which just so happens to cause us to be even more tired. Fuckin ace.

Those days in which the flow of useless tv shows, internet crap and other various means to loose time seems to never stop. In which from time to time a thought of you actually doing something usefull flyies through your brain, but whatever, you’ll do it some other time.

Well that’s been my weekend basically, slow mornings, to even slower afternoons, to even slower evenings. It’s as if the world around me was long gone, and what is left is just the leftovers of a digitial culture, ready for me to scavenge. 

But the days will pass and everything will go back to normal, people lift you up from this apathetic status and bring you in to the real world again. Let’s hope so at least.

Shooting Stars in a Night Sky

So I came back to Spain to visit for a couple of weeks and obviously I had to grab the a plane, and a long ride for that matter. So I passed through the whole airport bs and whatnot until I got on a flight from NYC to Paris. Around 8 hour flight, watching movies and stuff until we got close to Paris. SO i must admit that I am not scared at all of flying, but when a plane hits turbulence it freaks the living shit out of me.

So the plane started shaking a bit, then a bit more and then it gradually turned into quite a bit. And then you start thinking the whole: “Oh please, oh please, oh please let it not fall…”. And I’m not religious whatsoever but sometimes the need to pray is too big to ignore. And you pray to God to survive. But hey, wtf does God care if he’s up there that you pray to him out of selfish wishes, if you haven’t even thought about him the last 15 years?

That doesn’t mean I turned into a religious person now but hey, it made me think a bit, guess something good had to come out of it